So have you had that day yet? The day it gets really real? The day your husband says-sounds like I get paid until April 6th? The day you want to cry and pray and you need to hold it together because you have kids with you constantly? The day you can see the writing on the wall that you work at a church and you know, that the bottom is or will be falling out of giving? The day you were holding all the beach balls of all the emotions, thoughts, questions and all the things under the water and the pressure is building?
Yes, as a matter of fact I am in the midst of it right this very moment.
There is a large, grey, wrinkly stubborn elephant that has planted himself squarely on the center of my chest. The ring master is coming for him with the whip and chair–and the elephant turns its rump the other way. My logic tells me to try deep breaths, slowly fill my lungs, exhale mouth open, visualize a happy place/moment, take a walk, talk about it, call someone, I check my pill bottle thinking maybe I missed a week of Zoloft–nope, nope that’s not it. Logic is not helping-she seems to be on vacation-the elephant is now laughing at me and squeezing the air out of my lungs. I move to other techniques I’ve used in the past, years of counselors have surely prepared me with an armory. I colored, I texted friends, I cried a little, I baked something, the aresenal is running low.
Next up, scripture-read the ones hanging in my kitchen cupboards. Isaiah 41:10, Proverbs 3:5-8, do not be afraid, its all there–oh wait worship music-yup did some of that too. Prayed over books in my library (aka the corner of my bedroom)–felt led to look at a study I’ve had tucked away. First 2 verses it directs me to–Proverbs 15:30, Proverbs 25:25 are about good news. Really, really–not the day, the week, the current state of affairs I’m living–not much good news is happening.
Needless to say–all of these things happened today or yesterday. They’ve blurred together. All the feelings are happening at once. I’m grateful to have watched my kids be together, play and learn. I’m grateful for the slower mornings, the extra cup of coffee in my comfy pants, the hugs during the day, seeing my husband, I’m grateful I can read scripture, have a roof over my head, have food in the house. I’m grateful for the gorgeous sunrises I’ve noticed this week, I’m happy to leave the dirty dishes until tomorrow (ok, honestly that’s hard the sinkful-and I spilled my red wine down the wall into the carpet). Gratefulness is here, alive and well. I’m grateful for the family drives and walks and my drive yesterday listening and singing out to my God, King of Kings and Waymaker!
Friends-I just want you to know I’ve been all these things in the last 24-36 hours. ALL of them. People are saying “we’re in this together”, yes, yes we are, but I need you to know that I see YOU. YOU with your own unique circumstances, your own history, your own worries from last week that aren’t magically gone, they are magically multiplied. I see YOU trying to do our regular stuff, pay bills, laundry, make dinner, stay fit, drink water, clothes, feed kids, pick-up, take care of everyone.
I know you are there. I don’t have or claim to have answers. I can’t even make them up anymore to my 5 year old who wants to know everything about that coronavirus-when I asked what he wanted to do for science tomorrow. There are no answers only unknowns. And as a person who likes black and white, an extrovert, a person who wants to understand her world-this world is not at all what I was praying for in March of 2020.
I’ve had a calling for quite sometime from God on my heart. Help real people (usually women) connect to share real life. Connect them in small groups. Resource them to walk in their own gifts and callings. I have not known what to do with this. He has tweaked and refined, this plan for years. I don’t know what it looks like, what this all means that is flowing out of me today. These words are a blur to me-but I know someone needs them. So today I write to you out of obedience and a burning desire to leave this world better than I found it. God–I am yours, use me, use these words to reach the right eyes and ears. Let me be there to talk to them, to share my experiences, fear and dreams with others. We are in this together and we are each unique and we will experience this differently. We will leave our kids with their own versions of what has happened. We will be different in the next few weeks. We will crave this slower pace (I have thoughts about the “slowness” of this too). We will desire the small, closeness. Our world will be different and I am here to support the good different that will be coming. It is part of His plan for us and me-specifically–I’ve felt it. And heard it. Let’s embrace this unknown and connect through it.
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, he called them to come to him. And having called them, he gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he them his glory.